The Tale of Ansel and Adams:
The Heartbreaking Story of One Fish’s Unrequited Love for Another (and It’s Tragic Outcome)
In memory of Ansel I, written by Dave Homsey
Ansel and Adams had swum happily together in their bowl at Zone 5 for ages (well, ages in goldfish terms.) They were best friends who, quite literally, never went anywhere without the other.
But, there lingered a secret in their humble bowl, one that would ultimately doom them both. One to his watery grave and one to a lifetime of guilt and remorse (and a bout of nasty indigestion.)
You see, Ansel didn’t simply like Adams. He loved Adams. I mean he LOVED Adams. To Ansel, it was a forbidden love. Under the scrutiny of the outside world, swimming peacefully in their little bowl, he couldn’t fathom living his life as his heart desired.
When the lights in the office were turned off the Wednesday evening before Thanksgiving, something in Ansel was turned on. (bow-chicka-wow-wow) (no! not like that!) When they awoke Thanksgiving morning and feasted upon the bounty that had been sprinkled into their bowl the night before, Ansel was bursting inside. He couldn’t live another day without letting Adams know how he felt. Life wasn’t worth living if it couldn’t be lived fully.
He chose a particularly quiet moment near the bottom of the watery sphere, and confessed his undying love for his bowlmate.
Sadly, Adams did not share Ansel’s feelings. In fact, he rejected them wholly. “Ewww. Dude!” said Adams “That’s NOT cool!” and he swam as far away as he could (approximately 5 inches), warily eyeing Ansel, whose little heart he’d just broken.
Ansel swam to the surface. He desperately wanted to fly out of the water and fall to the tastefully carpeted office floor. How could he live in this bowl now that he’d revealed to Adams how he felt? Oh, how he wished he’d kept his little mouth shut. What was he thinking?? His microbrain swirled with black thoughts. He saw a clump of floating food and gobbled it down. He saw another, and did the same. He was in a little goldfish feeding frenzy! The water was churning like a piranha attack, but the food did nothing to ease his pain.
Ansel kept eating until all the food was gone, food that was supposed to feed the both of them through the long Thanksgiving weekend. He didn’t do it vindictively, mind you. No. He wanted nothing but the best for Adams, who he could not bring himself to hate. He just binged like heartbroken lovers do. Unfortunately, his tiny body could not handle the mass he had consumed, and he slipped gently into a food coma, never to awaken.
Adams watched the disturbing scene from below. As his long time companion ate himself into oblivion, he experienced feelings he never know he had. He wanted to swim to Adams and comfort him… maybe even embrace him! And after that, who knows. I mean, it’s a long weekend, and the lights were down low.
But, alas, it was too late.
What’s more, in his despair, Ansel had eaten everything… all the food that had been lovingly scattered in their bowl to tide them over until Monday was now in the bloated and distended stomach of his little friend, floating belly up, above.
Adams heart broke as he thought about the lonely days ahead without his best friend. And his stomach ached as he thought of the hungry days ahead with no food.
He struggled with the thoughts that popped in his head…terrible, dark thoughts. He looked at Ansel, who was now beginning the slow descent to his final resting place in the fake weeds at the bottom of the bowl.
“I’m famished,” he thought.
“All the food is gone and no one will be back until Monday’” he pondered.
“Ansel was my best friend, and he wouldn’t want me to starve,” he reasoned.
“Ansel looks kinda tasty,” he contemplated.
Maybe just a little nibble. And another. And just one more. And another.
Ansel didn’t sit well in Adams stomach. Adams felt terrible, for many reasons.
He burped, and watched forlornly as the bubbles rose to the surface, freeing Ansel, at last, from his torment.
It was the best of times…
It was the worst of times…